we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You are a genius and a whore.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
