he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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