Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
