She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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