his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
