I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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