her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize