I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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