$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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