Soap is not a condiment
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
