i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
