"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ladies don't puke and tell
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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