hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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