It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
