He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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