my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
