I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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