im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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