I looked at my own cervix.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Let's paint friendship bongs
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just pee around me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
