it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
