I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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