dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
