you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
