So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
