please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
