i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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