The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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