You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
