gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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