it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
