i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
