I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
