When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
