God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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