Just fell off a train. Bad.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
