I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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