I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
