I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
birth control should be required to get into college
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
