Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am one with the molecules
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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