How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
