I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
