he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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