you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Randomize
