I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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