i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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