trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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