i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
