It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize