I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
