I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
