You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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