Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
