Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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