Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
