u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
