hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
