i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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