Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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