you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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